Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
