I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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