I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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