I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
