So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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