dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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