omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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