there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
