So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
