shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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