So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
