i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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