My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
