1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
