Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
