if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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