you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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