I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
