Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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