During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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