she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
