haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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