I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
