if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
