Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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