I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
