I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my poor anus
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
