yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
