You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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