I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
