He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
