I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
