i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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