Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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