Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
