people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
