everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
