I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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