No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
