Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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