Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
