I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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