You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
