There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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