I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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