You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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