I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
