Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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