if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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