I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
